Dating a theist

[benja burns]

There have been several topics here about somebody having problems with their religious girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other so I figured I'd ask about the other side. My girlfriend is Catholic so her beliefs are fundamentally opposite from mine. The cool thing is that she completely accepts my beliefs. I was really nervous about telling her that I'm an atheist since I didn't know how she'd react but when I did she said that she didn't see how it could possibly change things. We often debate religious topics with each other and she actually listens to my arguments, unlike a lot of other theists I've met. She was even reading the Ebon Musings Atheism page yesterday in order to find out how I think. I know that many relationships have been damaged, even destroyed by differing religious beliefs but is there anyone here whose relationship has actually been strengthened by it?

[Fisher]

That's awesome Benja. It seems like every time I click on a thread people are putting each other down for religious differences. It is so refreshing to see two people looking beyond their religious barriers.

I don't think that it is the religious differences that strengthens your relationship. It’s love, compassion, and respect that make both of you want to understand and be the best possible people that you can be for each other -- regardless what religious choice you have made.

It seems to me like you have an awesome girl. Best of luck to both of you. ;)

[SLUGFly]

That's fantastic Benja. I too am dating a catholic woman. I went to church with her twice (maybe more in the future) because from a kind of sociological perspective... and in some cases emotionally, I like the environment (although I have to wrestle with disgust at times, I like this struggle too). And in turn she occasionally puts up with my frequent jabs and pokes at religion as long as I don't directly insult the virgin Mary, Jesus or God in bad taste. If I show her my picture of Jesus on the cross screaming hell (http://www.geocities.com/drslugfly/3203angryjesus.html) then she'll be fine with it and we may have an interesting discussion on fear in religion. If I show her my picture of Jesus done up in bondage (which I didn't put online) then she'll be sorely pissed and I'll have to listen to a lengthy lecture.

We both tolerate each other's ideas and though we may not respect the choices themselves we respect the right to choose and we respect each other. My best friend is also a catholic.

[Manitoumulegirl]

I have a sneaking fondness for Catholics (maybe because I wasn't raised one!). My BF is an ex-Catholic and he has an interesting perspective on things. Anyhow, I think the important thing is an openess to new or different ideas and a tolerance for a different set of beliefs than your own. If you both have these qualities, you should do fine.

[AdRock]

I am unfortunately not in the same boat which is why I joined this board. I was seeking some advice because my relationship doesn't seem to be going as well. I was (am still?) engaged to be married but my fiance has found Jesus. Now, she is having a tough time with our differences. She doesn't want to let go of me, but she has some biblical ideas about marriage that are pulling us apart. I am not hellbent against Christianity and God, there are some good teachings, I just don't believe. That is the part she can't handle. I was hoping this was a phase, or at least she wouldn't be so zealous about her faith after awhile. It has been about nine months since she converted and now we have postponed our marriage because I am not right for her. She said that and it hurt. She loves me and cannot imagine herself being with anyone else, but she wants to hold on and wait until I see the light.

[repoman]

Adrock,

While I've never dated a theist at all, I think I understand your situation somewhat. I think that she is being very tough on you almost as if you are a banana that still has to ripen. When you stay green she may just throw you away.

Does she actually say that Satan is speaking through you as you explain your beliefs? How does that show any respect for autonomy or intellect.

What is her history of religion in her family, and what kind of church is she in?

Is it only in religion that she criticizes you, or it is also in other areas?

It feels like she doesn't want a real, flowing relationship but one that is defined by your status (as a christian in this case).

[AdRock]

Does she actually say that Satan is speaking through you as you explain your beliefs? How does that show any respect for autonomy or intellect.
We had a very long talk that evening and we both felt better after it. I defended my position and illustrated that if Satan was in control of me than why did I take her car and fill it with gas so she wouldn't have to leave early for work? Since we continue to struggle, I am not sure if she was content in our talk or just conceded because she didn't want to make any more waves. Just yesterday she told me that she has an inner struggle because she wants to share the teachings and love of God with me but she remembers being a non believer like me and people like her turned her off. It hurts her because she doesn't want to upset me, but that in turn upsets her because she feels like she can't share.

What is her history of religion in her family, and what kind of church is she in?
Her father has always been religious but absolutely hates organized religion. Her mother has just recently converted, about 3 months before my fiance. In fact her mother actually started the Bible Study that my Fiance goes to. The woman (Martha) that helped mom accept Jesus in her heart became the Bible Study instructor and I guess she does Bible Studies at old folk homes and some other groups. However, according to my soon to be (?) mother-in-law Martha, the teacher, doesn't allow for interpretations of the verses in the Bible and that turned her off and she no longer attends. Apparently my Fiance and the others that still attend are learning a denomination (although she will claim they are completely non-denominational and learning the pure truth) that should be called Marthagelical because it is her way or the highway. I have friends who are Christians and I get along with them fine. I am not a fighter, just a lover. There are great leasons in the Bible and the teachings of Christianity. I simply take a positive view and try not to focus on any negatives. Yet, this group that my fiance belongs to seems out there. The Bible is the literal word of God, any man who penned anything in the book had the holy spirit in him when he wrote. They talk about feeling the spirit in them and speaking in tongues and she believes in praying for healing, not a desperate plea for a friend with cancer. She is praying to the Lord for her eyes to be healed so she won't have to wear glasses. And of course, when it does not happen that means she hasn't been a good enough Christian or that God has "another plan for her and her eyes."



Is it only in religion that she criticizes you, or it is also in other areas?
That's it. The only strife in our relationship is the religion issue. Many people write that it hasn't been a big issue in their relationship but since she is so heavy into the literal word marriage is a huge deal to her. The basis of marriage to my fiance is God. I think that man and woman are an afterthought in her idea of marriage. Wow, I guess that is how I think she is dealing with this because I just wrote it. She, of course, confesses that she can't see herself loving anyone as much as me, but we are going to be married in the eyes of God if we go through with it and that has gotten her shaken.

[cjack]

She loves me and cannot imagine herself being with anyone else, but she wants to hold on and wait until I see the light.

And if you never "see the light" will she still love you?

I'd walk (or maybe even run) away from this one, because it seems that she doesn't respect your non-belief. If she can't accept you as you are, then she can't accept you, period.

:down:

[HappyFunBall]

i'm going out with a new lady tomorrow, i don't know if she's religious or anything though. if she is i'll probably dump it pretty quick. just too frustrating to deal with.

[Atheos]

My signifigant other is a deist. She has a belief that includes something of a reincarnation doctrine. We've discussed it a few times. She's well aware of my atheism. It's one of the first things we discussed, long before we ever became more than just friends.

Everybody's different. What works for one won't work for another. Do the best you can with your relationship and remember that the only rule is that there ain't no rules.

-Atheos

[Zmey]

Doom I see, much suffering I see, fat lawyer bill I see. Sorry to dampen the spirits and prophesize disaster, but personally I'd recommend benja burns (and others) to be cautious and skeptical about future of a lasting relationship with a believer. In the early days of the relationship (dating) when people are excited and in-love such major disagreements can be tolerated. But as hormone-rich dating turns into long term relationship she will rip you to shreds for your ahteism, while you'll be hating her for being so unforgivingly dumb. Tolerance runs out pretty quick when people decide to spend a lot of time together. If parters often cant tolerate such minor things as the position of toilet seat, what makes you think that in the future she'll tolerate you not bleiveing in god she worships? I'm married to an atheist (over 2 years) and I think that when it comes to relationships atheists and believers dont mix.

Best regards

Z.S.

[benja burns]

I dunno...my girlfriend really doesn't seem like the type to do that. I understand what you're saying but I have seen other relationships between an atheist and a theist work.

[Krosis]

I dunno...my girlfriend really doesn't seem like the type to do that. I understand what you're saying but I have seen other relationships between an atheist and a theist work.

I for one salute you and wish you all the best in that.. ;) But you are the exception to... well.. I don't want to say "the rule" as it's not a rule per se.. I'll say, "what usually tends to be the case." instead.

I'm dating and atheistically leaning girl right now.. and even that relationship has been going downhill for some time so it's not just religion or lack thereof that'll make or break a couple.

That being said.. I *did* date a pentacostal girl for a while.. and it *was* religion that split us apart...

(*wow* did her mom hate me... )

A friend put that into perspective for me.. She said, "Of course her mom hates you.. you're a 29 year old atheist boinking her 21 yr old holy roller daughter..) :thumbs:

-K

[quester]

That's it. The only strife in our relationship is the religion issue. Many people write that it hasn't been a big issue in their relationship but since she is so heavy into the literal word marriage is a huge deal to her. The basis of marriage to my fiance is God. I think that man and woman are an afterthought in her idea of marriage. Wow, I guess that is how I think she is dealing with this because I just wrote it. She, of course, confesses that she can't see herself loving anyone as much as me, but we are going to be married in the eyes of God if we go through with it and that has gotten her shaken.


It sounds to me that God has replaced you in her heart. You aren't going to be happy playing second fiddle! :down:

[AdRock]

That is exactly how I feel deep down sometimes. Those deep seated hostilities destroyed another relationship of mine and now I am trying to control the beast and be more rational. Just a spike of resentment lurks behind me sometimes like when she says she had a bad day. The inner voice in my head says, "Why would you have a bad day, isn't your path God's Will?" I guess this is a different subject all together. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one with these initial angry thoughts like Holden Caufield in "The Catcher in the Rye." It isn't just her, professors at college, bosses, I spend a lot of time trying to find the word to speak because my head is filled with doubts and sarcasms. Thus, when I start to feel like this relationship is over I start to think that it is my initial inner voice talking and maybe I need to give this some time, after all we have been together for quite awhile and got engaged.

[kciredor reprah]

I don't know if I could ever date a theists again. I wouldn't even consider dating a fundy.

[Queen of Swords]

You aren't going to be happy playing second fiddle!

This is one reason I wouldn't date a fundamentalist of any stripe and would be hesitant to date even a liberal theist. I don't want to be in second place, and I especially don't want to be with someone whose behavior to me is dependent on what some self-contradictory misogynistic holy book says after much translation and interpretation.