IF... we are not apes -- Jet Black gets poetic

[Jet Black]

There are probably a few factual errors in this, as well as some awkwardly paced lines. If there are any suggested modifications either in terms of facts, alterations to the pace, or even extra bits you can think of, then feel free to tell me (it's an open source poem, as long as you acknowledge me :P) .

(since people have made a few suggestions, the most recent version is down at the bottom of the thread)

But anyway, after hearing creationists say that we are not apes for the thousandth time, I have been Inspired:


If you have a nucleus, which stores your DNA,
Organelles and Mitochondria, to power you through the day,
If you’re lacking Cloroplasts and are even motile too,
Then bacteria, Fungus or plant you’re not – An Animal, that’s you.
If you’re not lacking a Spine - I mean that the lit’ral way,
You’re not an insect or a slug, you’re a vertebrate they say,
If your ancestors left the sea, and didn’t look back,
Then you’re a tetrapod (those fishy things, discovered by Jennifer Clack)
If you’ve come a bit further, with five digits on each hand,
You’ve three bones in each ear, you’re not a reptile, understand,
Your ancient Ancestors, Therapsids, left all that far behind,
In the Triassic, but it wasn’t till the Cenozoic that they shined
If you’ve got fur, warm blood, females that lactate,
and give birth to live young (but only after you mate) ,
Then you’re a mammal my son, and you’ve come a long way,
Since the dawn of life, when bacteria ruled the day,
Though technically by numbers, they are still in charge,
You’re an oddity, you are, to have got so large,
But thats the throw of the ancestral dice and this is your lot,
So come on, let’s carry on and see what more you’ve got,
If you’ve got flexible digits and your eyes face afore,
Your teeth are neither here nor there, for chewing grass or gore,
Your thumb opposes your fingers, to give a grip that’s great,
Then all of those things, make you a Primate.
If on top of that your tail said goodbye,
Your coccyx fused to a solid stump, in the years gone by,
Trichromatic vision is yours (that’s three colours to see for you)
An unusually large brain for the thinking that you do,
Then along with Pan and Pongo, you’re one of the great apes,
A bit distant from gibbons, Siamang and their mates,
If on top of all of that you’ve even got a chin,
A Broca’s Region, you’re bipedal, then I know the group you’re in,
Your molars have three or four roots, and a four or five cusped crown,
Your foramen magnum's towards the front; your face points neither up nor down,
Then you’re a Homonid, and that’s nearly it, our journey's almost done,
Your EQ is the highest there is? Well what is more - you’re a man my son.

(with Apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

[Oolon Colluphid]

What, no replies?

Well I'll say a bloody huge

BRAVO!


...and then offer an amended version. I realised too late that Kipling rhymes alternate lines, but what the hell...


If you have a nucleus, which stores your DNA,
Organelles and Mitochondria, to power you through the day,
If you’re lacking Chloroplasts and are even motile too,
Then you’re not a plant, nor fungus, nor bacterium – an Animal, that’s you.
If you’ve got a spine – I mean it the lit’ral way,
You’re not an insect or a slug, you’re a vertebrate, they say.

If you’ve paired limbs, both fore and aft, connected to your back,
Then you’re a tetrapod (those fishy things – just ask Jenny Clack).
If you have two sets of teeth, and a good four-chambered heart
And three bones in your ears, then from reptiles you’re apart.
If you’ve got hair, warm blood, and females that lactate
And give birth to live young (but only when you mate!),
Then you’re a mammal my son, and a long way you have come
Since the early days of one-cells, under that blazing sun...
Though technically by numbers, they’re still in charge.
You’re an oddity, you are, to have become so large,
But that’s the throw of the ancestral dice, and now it is your lot,
So come along, let’s carry on, and see what else you’ve got.

If you can see in stereo, with eyes that face afore,
A shoulder that lets you point both to the sky and floor,
And can put thumb to finger[/b] to give a grip that’s great,
If you’ve got all of those things, then you’re a Primate, mate.

And if further, you’ve no tail, appended to your rump,
Instead, a coccyx where the vertebrae are but a solid stump;
If you can see in colour, but cannot smell so well,
And a bigger brain than usual, then there’s one thing we can tell:
Along with Pan and Pongo, you’re one of the great apes:
Not much different from the gibbons, and gorillas who eat grapes!

If, additional to that, you’ve even got a chin?
Your face is flat, your canines small? I know which group you’re in!
Your spine joins skull from underneath to see where you are going
For you walk about on two legs, with each step heel-to-toe-ing.
If you can talk with crowds -- if you can speak at all!
With a Broca’s region in your brain, you don’t squeak or grunt or call...
Then you're a Hominid, and our journey is now done.
With that large brain, you surely see:
You are a man, my son.

[IanC]

Thats excellent!!

Just one question, whats EQ?

Ive got a parody of the galaxy song (monty python), called the genome song. Ill try and dig it out.


Ian

[Oolon Colluphid]

EQ = Encephalisation Quotient. I think it's the log of brain weight to body weight, but whether or not I'm remembering that, it is the ratio of how big your brain is to your body. See Dawkins's Ancestor's Tale for details.

[Coragyps]

JB for Poet Laureate!!!!

"research'd by Jenny Clack" scans a bit better.......

[Non-praying Mantis]

The last line of the third verse would read better as:

"If you’ve got all of those things, then you’re certainly Primate."

NPM

[Doubting Didymus]

It's a relatively recent development that sees science not usually considered an appropriate topic for poetry. I say it's nigh time this trend reverted.

Interesting fact: some of the earliest hints of the modern theory of common descent are to be found in the poetry of Erasmus Darwin.

[RBH]

It's a relatively recent development that sees science not usually considered an appropriate topic for poetry. I say it's nigh time this trend reverted. That's the orienting theme of Dawkins' Unweaving the Rainbow (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0618056734/internetinfidels/).

RBH

[Doubting Didymus]

Unweaving the rainbow was more generally about the sense of wonder at the universe revealed by science, which isn't to be sneezed at I guess, though I found that book a little nebulous and didn't really argue its point all that well. Dawkins should probably stick to making complicated adaptationist ideas incredibly easy to inderstand - his real gift IMO.

I was speaking more specifically about actual poetry. I was flipping through ridleys oxford reader on evolution just last night and discovered a 1955 "article" called 'three poems' published in an embryology journal, in which adaptationist hypotheses about torsion in molluscs, and neoteny in salamanders are presented framed in rhyming verse. It's fantastic.

[Jet Black]

Thanks for the praise, suggestions and amendments, many of which are great, I made a couple more slight modifications, just to get the syllables right:

If you have a nucleus, which stores your DNA,
Organelles and Mitochondria, to power you through the day,
If you’re lacking Chloroplasts and are even motile too,
Then you’re not a plant, nor fungus, nor bacterium – an Animal, that’s you.
If you’ve got a spine – I mean it the lit’ral way,
You’re not an insect or a slug, you’re a vertebrate, they say.

If you’ve paired limbs, both fore and aft, connected to your back,
Then you’re a tetrapod (those fishy things – research'd by Jenny Clack).
If you have got two sets of teeth, and a good four-chambered heart
And three bones in your ears, then from reptiles you’re apart.
If you’ve got hair, warm blood, and females that lactate
And give birth to live young (but only when you mate!),
Then you’re a mammal my son, and a long way you have come
Since the early days of one-cells, under that blazing sun...
Though technically by numbers, they’re still in charge.
You’re an oddity, you are, to have become so large,
But that’s the throw of the ancestral dice, and now it is your lot,
So come along, let’s carry on, and see what else you’ve got.

If you can see in stereo, with eyes that face afore,
A shoulder that lets you point both to the sky and floor,
And can put thumb to finger to give a grip that’s great,
If you’ve got all of those things, then you’re certainly Primate.

And if further, you’ve no tail, appended to your rump,
Instead, a coccyx where the vertebrae are but a solid stump;
If you can see in colour, but cannot smell so well,
And a bigger brain than usual, then there’s one thing we can tell:
Along with Pan and Pongo, you’re one of the great apes:
Not much different from the gibbons, and gorillas who eat grapes!

If, additional to that, you’ve even got a chin?
Your face is flat, your canines small? I know which group you’re in!
Your spine joins skull from underneath to see where you are going
For you walk upon two legs, with each step heel-to-toe-ing.
If you can talk with crowds -- if you can speak at all!
With a Broca’s region in your brain, you don’t squeak or grunt or call...
Then you're a Hominid, and our journey is now done.
With that large brain, you surely see:
That you're a man, my son.

............................

and to further DD's point, any suggestions where we could put this? I doubt many journals would be willing to publish it :p

[Oolon Colluphid]

It's welcome on my website (if that's the best we get);
Along with Oolon Seuss, we'll get those creos yet!
But if you think it's good, that we have done it all, sir,
I'm afraid it's rather feeble compared with Ecker's Chaucer (http://www.hobrad.com/et.htm)!

[Jet Black]

that's a long one. someone has too much time!