My dilemma

[lucaswysocki]

I got married really young to a mormon girl, (19) and I did it mostly because she didn't want to have sex until marriage. Now we have been married for over a year and are having major problems. On the surface the biggest problem is that i criticize her going to church so much and giving tithing. It mostly bugs me because her parents are CONSTANTLY talking about church related things. I think thats what sets off most of these hopeless discussions. She really believes in her religion though, and I have recently wondered what will happen when we have kids. What will we teach them. She wants to teach them mormonism. I on the other hand would rather not have kids if thats the case, atleast not with her. Anyway we are seperated now because most of these issues came to a head. I am afraid of warping my kids by presenting them two oposite messages about the church. She wants to come home but has no answer to our problems. She just wants to wait and see what happens when it happens. But I have a feeling that by then it will be too late. I'm really struggling about whether i should take her back and risk all these problems or just give up on her. The problem is that i love her, and i miss her a lot. Its like my heart is fighting my mind. But i think the smart thing to do would be to end it. But like i said i am undecided and i know it would cause her great pain.

Anyway my question is whether you all think this relationship has a chance? Should we get back together or not?

[goldingds]

I'm sorry that I don't have any insight, and I hope someone does, but I'd like to point out:
This is what is harmful about the idea that you need to get married to have sex.

[lucaswysocki]

I totally agree and trust me i have thought about that a thousand times.

[Loren Pechtel]

A perfect example of the problem of sex-only-in-marriage.

It is possible to agree-to-disagree about faith and kids--each teaches their own position and explains that not everyone agrees. This isn't the easiest thing in the world, though, and it doesn't sound to me like it would work in your situation.

Other than this approach, kids are one of the big problems with interfaith marriages. Between two adults it can work (I'm athiest, my wife is a rather lapsed Buddhist {she has religious figures she prays to on occasion but it's been many a year since she's gone to a temple} and we're still together after two decades. However, going in we knew kids were not on the menu and thus the conflict would never arise.) but it's much harder when one thinks one's kids are going astray.

Her wait-and-see approach is not viable in a situation like this. The problem won't go away.

[nj_heathens]

I definitely think you should stop thinking about bringing kids into this marriage until you both decide you want to stay together and figure out how to bridge your religious differences. And to me, that looks like a pretty wide bridge to cross. It sounds like you're having a tough time of it, and I hope things work out for you.

Mrs. Heathen

[Smullyan-esque]

Why are you trying to be married to someone who you don't respect? That just boggles my mind. Get out of this dead-end marriage and go find someone you are compatible with.

[tapley54]

Why are you trying to be married to someone who you don't respect? That just boggles my mind. Get out of this dead-end marriage and go find someone you are compatible with.

If it were only that easy...

My wife and I married when we were 19, mostly to make our families and God happy with us. Not that we don't love eachother, but the marriage was a formality in our eyes.

My opinion on love: it is not something that happens to you, it is something you choose to do. You have to decide if the things you like about her are worth the things you don't like. If you are willing to take the bad with the good, then you choose to continue loving her.

You have to decide if the relationship is worth saving. My advice that you try to compromise and make it work. If she isn't willing to compromise, then you have to decide if you want to live with that.

[Styrofoamdeity]

Listen, if you do not presently have kids, then marriage is a technicality- a piece of paper. Get rid of the piece of paper and find someone else to spend your life with. You got only one life, so admit the mistake you made and move on.

There are some wonderul, wonderful women on this planet. Some will respect your choice to not believe, and child-rearing will not end up being a tug of war or an endless mind game. Even better, you might find a true partner out there. I found my partner (happily married for 18 years), but if I would have stayed with the first person I had a serious relationship with, my life would have turned out crappy.

Like the gambling men say, don't throw good money after bad...

[Rhea]

Marriage can be a wonderful partnership of two people enjoying a journey together. They may have different ideas about which scenic vista to visit along the way, but the joy is in traveling together, respecting each other, showing respect for each other and enjoying the choices of the other knowing that your own choices will be enjoyed, if not for themselves but because they are yours.

If this marriage can include joy in the choices of the other person, then it will be worthwhile, IMO.

If BOTH of you are not EQUALLY committed to respecting the other - then all I can picture is a marriage of bickering, regret and conflict. And in your case it sounds like it will be coupled with the decision to be childless.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would choose to stay in a marriage that is a bed of bickering, regret and conflict. And in some cases leading to constant rage. I've seen these marriages and they plumb stump me. What a sucky way to spend THE NEXT FIFTY FUCKING YEARS.

Marraige can be a joy. If this one isn't, and has no potential to become it, what ON EARTH is the point in staying in it?

I submit you should plan on a weekend away, at a pleasant place, with the intent of understanding your marriage. And at that getaway you should both ask yourselves, out loud, to each other (and better yet on paper), what you want out of the marriage. Then ask each other whether you are willing to give it. To *PROMISE* to give it.

And if so - there's your answer. And if not - there's your answer.

If both of you want to promise to deliver the dreams of yourselves and each other, you will both be happy. If one of you declines to respect and support the other in their dreams, then this becomes a self-evident problem, no?

I have no idea if you should stay or you should go.
However, you and your wife do know. And you'll recognize your answers when you explore your marriage, your commitment, together openly.

[Rhea]

FWIW, my parents went to different churches and my mother always balked at my father's tithing. It always seemed like a lame argument that could have been solved by creating a family "charity budget" and splitting it where one partner supports one cause and the other partner takes the other half for a different cause.

Key phrase, "family budget". Joint commitment, respecting that "hobbies" are different and accepting that as okay. It's okay to like different things!!!

If you are criticizing her about church, you aren't respecting her hobby. Which makes you both combatants.

You need to find out whether you both agree that you want NO combatants in your marriage. If you both agree, there will be none.

[Jakanapes]

I got married really young to a mormon girl, (19) and I did it mostly because she didn't want to have sex until marriage. Now we have been married for over a year and are having major problems. On the surface the biggest problem is that i criticize her going to church so much and giving tithing. It mostly bugs me because her parents are CONSTANTLY talking about church related things. I think thats what sets off most of these hopeless discussions. She really believes in her religion though, and I have recently wondered what will happen when we have kids. What will we teach them. She wants to teach them mormonism. I on the other hand would rather not have kids if thats the case, atleast not with her. Anyway we are seperated now because most of these issues came to a head. I am afraid of warping my kids by presenting them two oposite messages about the church. She wants to come home but has no answer to our problems. She just wants to wait and see what happens when it happens. But I have a feeling that by then it will be too late. I'm really struggling about whether i should take her back and risk all these problems or just give up on her. The problem is that i love her, and i miss her a lot. Its like my heart is fighting my mind. But i think the smart thing to do would be to end it. But like i said i am undecided and i know it would cause her great pain.

Anyway my question is whether you all think this relationship has a chance? Should we get back together or not?



It sounds like you've already made up your mind to end it and are just looking for justification.

My 2 cents. Getting married for sex is the WRONG reason. Which is probably why the divorce rate is so high amongst fundy baptists.

If she's truly committed to her church and raising kids there, and you're committed to the opposite, then end it now. It will be kinder in the long run. Give you both a chance to find somebody you'll be more compatible with and happier with.

[godsmellsfunny]

I feel your pain man. I am currently dating a semi-fundy evangelical. There are plently of things I love about her but her religion is not one of those things.

Luckily I am not married to her, but I know that she wants to be married and have kids someday. This of course means she is going to want to raise them to be beleivers which is at complete odds with my thinking. She is already working on her 1 year old nephew. She holds his hands together when they pray. Yuck!

My dilema is that I know I can't raise my kids to be beleivers. If they come to it on their own, so be it, but I will not allow them to be indoctrinated and taught that that is the proper way of thinking. That means that I won't be having kids with her which makes me ask myself sometimes, what the hell am I doing with her.

There will come a time when we have this conversation seriously and we both realize that that is too big a hurdle to overcome. I suspect you are in the same boat my friend.

I think in several cases, religion trumps love. I love this girl and if it weren't for her religion I could probably marry her, but the religion is just too big an obstacle.

[dickie]

Good luck to you-- my wife is also inclined towards her faith, but fortunately not so much as yours. I can't eloquently tell you where the line is between a marriage that works and one that doesn't, but I can tell you that based on your saying that only one year in you're having to separate-- I doubt this is going to be forever after.

I think the other posters have given you some great advice especially the block capital letters FIFTY MORE YEARS. Dude, whether you believe in a god or not, life can be amazing sometimes. Do you really want to throw it away this easily?

[Sarpedon]

Loveless marriages can work. Respectless marriages can work. but if you have neither...I'd say no.

If you married her for the sex, it wont last. She'll get old, fat, loose, and ugly soon enough. At 19 and 20, she probably looks great, but the years will wear her beauty away, and her sex drive will diminish, as it does for all women in a stable relationship.

[Seeker630]

My advice for the OP---------get out now before you have any more invested emotionally, and certainly before you entertain the notion of having any kids! Sounds like she's not salvageable. The longer you wait the tougher it will be.

[Proxima Centauri]

(...)She really believes in her religion though, and I have recently wondered what will happen when we have kids. What will we teach them. She wants to teach them mormonism. I on the other hand would rather not have kids if thats the case, atleast not with her. Anyway we are seperated now because most of these issues came to a head. I am afraid of warping my kids by presenting them two oposite messages about the church. She wants to come home but has no answer to our problems. She just wants to wait and see what happens when it happens. But I have a feeling that by then it will be too late. (...) Its like my heart is fighting my mind. But i think the smart thing to do would be to end it. But like i said i am undecided and i know it would cause her great pain.

Anyway my question is whether you all think this relationship has a chance? Should we get back together or not?

I fear, "wait and see what happens" means she hopes she and her family will get any kids to be Mormons.