Satirical Research

[Alonzo Fyfe]

I would like to write a short piece of satire. This satire will be a news story about a government official who wants to put a monument with a religious message in a government building and claim that our laws are founded upon these principles.

For this piece of satire, I was wondering if anybody here who knows biblical passages better than I could provide me with 10 religious quotes commanding the most outrageous and immoral types of behavior.

I would be grateful.

[Tenek]

Originally posted by Alonzo Fyfe
I would like to write a short piece of satire. This satire will be a news story about a government official who wants to put a monument with a religious message in a government building and claim that our laws are founded upon these principles.

For this piece of satire, I was wondering if anybody here who knows biblical passages better than I could provide me with 10 religious quotes commanding the most outrageous and immoral types of behavior.

I would be grateful.

Well there's http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty.html if you like.

God commands people to utterly annihilate everything in a city which worships another:

Lev
13:12
If thou shalt hear say in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there, saying,

13:13
Certain men, the children of Belial, are gone out from among you, and have withdrawn the inhabitants of their city, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known;

13:14
Then shalt thou enquire, and make search, and ask diligently; and, behold, if it be truth, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought among you;

13:15
Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.

13:16
And thou shalt gather all the spoil of it into the midst of the street thereof, and shalt burn with fire the city, and all the spoil thereof every whit, for the LORD thy God: and it shall be an heap for ever; it shall not be built again.

13:17
And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers;

**

God commands people to either butcher the people of a city to the last, or to kill the males and non-virgin females and rape the rest.

Dt
20:10
When thou comest nigh unto a city to fight against it, then proclaim peace unto it.

20:11
And it shall be, if it make thee answer of peace, and open unto thee, then it shall be, that all the people that is found therein shall be tributaries unto thee, and they shall serve thee.

20:12
And if it will make no peace with thee, but will make war against thee, then thou shalt besiege it:

20:13
And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:

20:14
But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.

20:15
Thus shalt thou do unto all the cities which are very far off from thee, which are not of the cities of these nations.

20:16
But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth:

20:17
But thou shalt utterly destroy them; namely, the Hittites, and the Amorites, the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee:

20:18
That they teach you not to do after all their abominations, which they have done unto their gods; so should ye sin against the LORD your God.

***********

God lets men dispose of their wives should they do something wrong and puts the burden of proof on the woman to prove that she was a virgin.

22:13
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,

22:14
And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid:

22:15
Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate:

22:16
And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her;

22:17
And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city.

22:18
And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him;

22:19
And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.

22:20
But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:

22:21
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

There's three. Enjoy.

[Kevin Dorner]

Ooh, this is fun... some of my faves:

Deuteronomy 23:1 - He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

"Welcome to our church. Sorry, just need to check something before you are seated. Please hold still while I pull down your pants... what!?! Out, eunuch!"

Exodus 31:15 - ... whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

"Just not worth the time-and-a-half to get killed, boss, sorry, not coming in today... hell, we did without ambulances for hundreds of years, right?"

Exodus 21:22 - If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.

(This is the only mention of anything abortion-like in the Bible. It states that accidentally injuring a pregnant woman so that the fetus is lost merits a fine, whereas it's clearly stated elsewhere that murder is punishable by death. So much for the Bible providing any anti-abortion justifications. Too bad this didn't make it to the commandments.)

Deuteronomy 21:18-21 - If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son... Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city... And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die...

Good luck with the project. :)

[RufusAtticus]

Originally posted by Kevin Dorner
This is the only mention of anything abortion-like in the Bible.

Not true. There is an entire section in Numbers where it details an herbal abortion to check to see if a woman has been unfaithful.

The Test for an Unfaithful Wife (http://www.biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=NUM+5&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=on&showxref=on)

[Godless Dave]

My personal favorite is Luke 19:27:

"But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."

[Alonzo Fyfe]

These are great!

This will be so much fun to write.

I also know that there are prohibitions against charging interest (and I have in mind a second satire about protests patterned after those opposed to abortion, this time taking place in front of banks and opposed to the charging of interest).

And isn't there something about Ham and slaves?

In order to prevent my satirical display from being "religious", I also want to include on the display all sorts of quotes from the founding fathers.

These are not to be quotes promoting the separation of church and state -- but quotes endorcing racism, sexism, and the displacement or extermination of the Native Americans.

The purpose of the satire will be a reductio as absurdum -- to show that the arguments used in defense of such things as posting the 10 Commandments in public buildings can be used to promote the most obnoxious evils -- to show that the whole way of thinking about the world is corrupt, not just the conclusions.

I hope to be able to write it this weekend.

I am appreciative of any help.

[The Other Michael]

Deuteronomy 23:1 - He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Hmmm, that sounds like all of us who have had vasectomies have a legitimate excuse - FROM THE BIBLE - for not attending church.

cheers,
Michael

[Kevin Dorner]

More goodies:

Deuteronomy 22:23-24 - If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

(Summary: If a woman doesn't cry out during rape, then she must have liked it, so kill her.)

And another:

Deuteronomy 13:6-10 - If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth; Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.

Deuteronomy 23:2 - A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

And isn't there something about Ham and slaves?

Genesis 9:20-27 - And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

[Polycrates]

I always liked this one:
When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence. - Deuteronomy 22:8 :D

and of course:
There be eunuchs which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it - Matthew 19:12


And if you want ones about slavery:
And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. - Exodus 21:20-21

And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do - Exodus 21:7

When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,
And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her. - Deuteronomy 21:10-14

And if thy brother, an Hebrew man, or an Hebrew woman, be sold unto thee, and serve thee six years; then in the seventh year thou shalt let him go free from thee - Deuteronomy 16:12

[Deacon Doubtmonger]

Allow me to quote heavily from a magnificently funny essay on biblical absurdities at the Ebon Musings site (full text here):

http://www.ebonmusings.org/atheism/pillows.html

(My applications to modern government in caps)


FITNESS TO SERVE IN THE MILITARY

Judges 7:4-7

God chooses men for Gideon's army by ordering them all to drink from a stream. The ones who lap up the water like dogs make the grade, while those who kneel down and drink don't. "And the Lord said unto Gideon, by the three hundred men that lapped will I save you."

Even ignoring for the moment the fact that the all-knowing God should have been able to tell who was suitable and who wasn't without any kind of tests at all, why this manner of test? Is a person's method of drinking fluids a reliable window onto their soul? The text does not explain. Maybe, as in the case of Moses in Exodus 17:11-12 above, God just likes making his chosen people do silly things.


MANDATORY SCHOOL LUNCHES: BIBLE EATING

Ezekiel 2:9, 3:1-3

God writes a book (or a scroll) in front of Ezekiel's eyes, and then instructs him, "Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this scroll.... cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this scroll that I give thee." Ezekiel complies, and finds it to be sweet as honey. Doubtless this is all very symbolic in some way or another.


NEW CHEMICAL WEAPON AUTHORIZED FOR USE BY POLICE

Malachi 2:3

God is upset at the rebellious priests of Israel (they dared to slaughter the blind, lame or sick animals, rather than the very best ones they had, as blood sacrifices to him - those bastards). As punishment, the Almighty vows, "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts." (Mmm-mmm!)


RADICAL EXPANSION OF SCOPE OF I.R.S. AUTHORITY

Malachi 3:8

God complains that he is being "robbed" by people who are failing to give enough money in tithes and offerings. "Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me." ("Okay, Jehovah, hands where I can see 'em, and no funny moves!") What God needs money for is not explained.


Deacon Doubtmonger

http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/obscene/eck31.gifreligion