Advice Needed Re: Fundamentalist Family

[MsChutzpah]

How does one cope with a fundamentalist family of born-again fanatics?

They all have caller I.D., and won't answer the telephone if I call.

They will not call or come around my mother whenever they see my car out front, or know that I am in town to visit mom.

They've made snide comments to my mother, like:

Referring to me as "That satan" and "That godless/evil woman"

My sister (the worst of the lot) knows that my mother and I have a very close relationship, and she KNOWS that mother adores me; so why does she say things to mom that is like a stab to the heart, like:

After I leave, she will come over and say to mom: "I feel evil in this room". or
"I can't see why you love Catherine so much" Duh! I AM her daughter!

They spread lies and rumors about me; twist anything (they heard) I might say; and it is never quoted exactly as it was said.

All this, and yet they are in the Holiness church two and three nights a week; run around preaching and praying, laying on of hands, speaking in tongues, and proclaiming how they're looking forward to going to "heaven" and leaving this sinful world.

Friends say to ignore them. That would be easy if my mother wasn't caught smack dab in the middle, or if she were deceased.

I've tried so hard, but no matter what I do; it is damned if you do and damned if you don't. They have told my mother that they don't even want her to bring my name up. Imagine saying such a thing to mother who loves her children........

Do you think writing a letter, addressed to all, might do anything?
I love coming to this site; I just lurk and read. You need to know how much I appreciate all of your imput here; the thought, the research; the honesty......and today Just wanted to unburden a bit, and ask your help. Maybe there isn't anything that would penetrate the minds that are closed to all reason. I thank you for reading anyway; and I know you will at least understand.

Thank you, all of you wonderful people who are a part of Internet Infidels.

[MsChutzpah]

I forgot to say that there have been many times when I wished I had never let them know about my atheism. At least until my mother is passed. She is 86 years young, doing great, and I adore her. She's funny, witty, fun and no one believes she is 86. Imagine being the matriarch of such a family; with all them looney fundies on one side, and a daughter you adore who is an atheist.

[mecca777]

MsChutzpah, I feel for your situation; obviously it must be terrible to feel, through no fault of your own, that you're putting your mum "in the middle". I doubt that the religious contingent in your family have any such qualms.

My advice would be to ignore them as much as possible, and continue to be a loving and kind daughter to your mother. She's the person who knows who you really are, and I'm sure she would never want you to deny your nature by keeping secrets from her, just to stop closed-minded people from taking offence and behaving childishly!

[Gothic_J]

I, personally, would play it up. play dimmu borgir or black sabbath while inviting people over in black clothes, while reading froom books of lovecraft.

but, Im a drama whore, and that would prolly just be short term fun.

[Albion]

How is your mother handling all these attacks on you?

[beth]

((((hugs Catherine))))

I really feel for you and understand your pain, although I have not faced it quite so bad. :( I'm really sorry. I thought my situation was bad... All I can say is to try to ignore them. It is good, though that you and your mom are close. :) At least you have that.

As far as the letter goes, I think it would be a good idea. You could point out the scriptures that speak of loving the lost, scriptures that point out that you are not supposed to judge, and scriptures that point out that one is not supposed to gossip or be a busybody, etc. Make sure you let te know your hurt and pain and what you evision Christianity to be from the example that they have shown you. Maybe some people will come around, but I wouldn't count on it, I would not go into this expecting anything other than the healing that speaking your mind might bring.

I wish you all the luck. I am truly sorry for your pain. :(

[Gothic_J]

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/good.html

this may be helpful

[Raydo97]

Hey MsChutzpah,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's ridiculous. I have had similar situations with family, including a brother who, to this day, actually believes that I am possessed by a demon! Luckily, he and I have virtually no contact and he has no impact on my life.

What I want to say to you about this may sound odd, at first, but I think you should consider it. I think the person holding all of the cards here is your mom. She is the ONLY PERSON in a position to deal with this problem. These attacks against your character continue only because your mom allows them to continue.

I would suggest that your mother explain to them that you are her daughter, that she loves you very much, and if the fundies cannot visit her without attacking you then they shouldn't visit at all. She has to be clear with them and enforce it. She doesn't need to "choose sides," she simply needs to explain that they need to work out their differences with you and that she doesn't want to hear about it because she loves you. If they can visit without bashing you, fine. If not, then don't stop to visit. If their hate for you is so strong that they can't contain it long enough to visit your mom, then that should speak volumes TO YOUR MOM.

When my parents divorced several years ago, I found myself in the same position that your mom is in right now. My dad bashed my mom constantly and encouraged me to do the same. My mom was aware of it and felt terrible about it. But, what could she do? He was talking to me. I had to decide to either put a stop to it or allow it to continue.

I struggled with it for awhile, but eventually, I explained to him that I understood how he felt toward her and that it may even be justified, but that's not the relationship I had with her. I told him if he wanted to hate her, that's fine, just don't do it in front of me. He tested the water a few times afterward, but I stood my ground. He eventually accepted the ground rules for visiting my home and everything worked out.

As for the letter idea... I wouldn't do it. It may make you feel better, but it will only be used against you for scorn and ridicule. It doesn't matter how many scriptures you quote to show them the error of their ways, they will easily be able to find even more scriptures that support their position. That's what's so convenient about the bible... you can use it to JUSTIFY ANYTHING. Remember, they see everything through the filter of religion, not with clarity. You live in two completely different worlds.

Again, in my opinion, your mom is going to have to go to bat for you and proclaim her home a neutral ground between her feuding children.

I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us posted on any additional developments.

Good luck!

Ray

[tensorproduct]

Is your mother religious? Does she share your relatives views on atheism?

I think that the letter might be a good idea (or talk to them in person.) Tell them how close you and your mother are, how important the relationship is to both of you, and how their attitudes do nothing but hurt the feelings of an an old woman. I would avoid discussing religion or Bible passages with them, since they will be able to find something in there to support whatever bigoted views they hold. Keep whatever contact you have with them to real matters of how selfishly they are behaving.

[beth]

What exactly do you hope to achieve with the letter? What message do you want to convey to them?
If you want to make hem like you again or accept you back into the family, then I would listen to Raydo, the letter will cause some conflict. (I've written letters before, they cause more conflict, but helped me gain some independence...)

If your goal is to cut ties and have closure or to just try to make the feel crappy, then I would suggest it. Just don't expect any apologies from them and expect to be further scorned.

I also think your mom should speak up. If it were my daughter being bashed, I would become an attack dog. In fact I am that way when anyone disses any of my loved ones, so your mom really should speak up to defend you. That wouldn't make them answer the calls or come and visit, but it would keep their hateful words out of earshot of both your mom and yourself.

[MsChutzpah]

Mother believes in God, but she believes it is a personal and private thing; she abhors hypocrisy; and she sees it all around her, and although she does let her views be known, she is simply no match for the numbers of people around her who will not listen; and who ignore her.

Mom is dependent upon some of these people; to grocery shop for her; do her laundry; and provide transportation to various places as the need arises. They know this; and so they USE it to their advantage. I have told my mother that I would love to bring her here to where I live and provide a home for her, but I do not and will not insist upon it; for that would take her away from her grandchildren and great grand babies.

EVERY time she does speak up and take up for me; she is shot down, and it only makes living with them or getting along all the worse; since they just seem to increase the slamming of me and make excuses whenever she has to ask them to do something for her.
Many times my mother and I have quoted various scriptures to them, but there is no response; they "suddenly" remember some appointment they have to keep, or they just simply bolt out the door. They don't think it applies to them I guess.

:banghead:

[Godless Dave]

MsChutzpah,

I see no reason to write a letter to your relatives. As for them not answering the phone when you call, good. You don't need to talk to these idiots. You don't need them in your life at all. I think you should "dust your feet of them" as it says somewhere or other in the Bible.

It seems like you might feel responsible for the hateful things your mother has to hear your relatives spout. This is totally not true; they are the only ones responsible for it, and there's probably nothing you or your mother can do about it.

Is there any way you can assist her financially from a distance so she won't have to depend on them as much? Are there any grocery delivery services where she lives? They can be very helpful for elderly people with limited mobility. In my city we have an outfit called Simon Delivers. If you could provide her with some cash maybe she could take taxis instead of relying on your family for rides. There might also be a van service for elderly and disabled people.

[beth]

:( Sorry to hear of your mother's situation.

What would be the intent of your letter. I would jut like to know the motive. To stick up for your mom, to cut ties, or to gain sympathy?

[southernhybrid]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your situation. I also admire how you keep your relationship going with your dear mother inspite of the efforts of other family members to be divisive.

I agree with Dave that you should try and ignore the negative people in your family. They are not only intolerant and ignorant, they are taking advantage of the emotions of a frail elderly lady who sounds like the only jewel you have left in your family. Enjoy the time you have with your mother to the best of your ability while ignoring these other people in your family. Tell mom that you're not going to let them bother you anymore and encourage her to ignore their rude remarks if they start acting inappropriately.

[Richard1366]

Please, Please, Please, whatever you do, never quote scripture to a fundy.. this is a tacit acknowledgement that the bible is real. Certainly you can find some quotes for any situation somewhere else, i.e. Aesops Fables, Pogo, or any other book of non-religious quotes.

[Farren]

MsChutzpah,

Welcome and thank YOU for such a glowing appraisal of infidels! It sounds like theres not a hell of a lot you can do. I agree with the posters here who say the ball's in your mom's court and if its especially difficult for her to take up your cause then so be it.

What you can do, I think, is find complete peace with the situation within yourself. I know its hard but human's feed off each other's serenity as well as each other's tensions.

If your mom's sensing your tension about it then that's feeding back to you, and you're feeding it back to her. Conversely, if you can find it within yourself to reach the point where it doesn't bother you in the slightest and you can throw your hands in the air and say cie la vie even when your moms fretting, I'm sure the attitude will be contagious.

That's my experience at least. Its not quite analogous but I've had a friend with a quick fuse for over 15 years and he REALLY lets people get to him sometimes. He always ends up ranting at me about it and after some talking convinces himself that there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

I've got a generally don't give a damn attitude about stress making things and specifically with him I've learned to just get into this kind of blissful state and smile and nod while he's ranting. The mood more than words just dissolves his tension quickly.

I know your mom isn't the problem, it the people causing her stress. But she's also probably feeling stress because having to endure comments like that makes her feel like she's betraying you, or at the least hurting you when she divulges information about it to you to assauge her conscence. So if you're completely at peace with it I'm sure it'll have a knock on effect on her capacity to handle it.

:)

Hope to see more of you on these fora