Prayer and Catholic school

[Jack Kamm]

I go to a Catholic high school (St. Ignatius, for all of you in San Francisco). My junior year religion class on morality and social justice is turning out to be my most interesting and fun class. But although the teacher is very cool, she wants a student to lead a prayer before class every day, going in alphabetical order.

Yuck.

Anyways, she said feel free to use candles/incense/props and to veer from more "traditional" prayers.

Everybody else is going to probably be reading a poem or praying how great God is, or asking God to "give us strength," etc etc. I want to do something different. I was thinking a rain dance would be cool, but that might be a bit complicated. A prayer to Ctuhlu [sic?] or Baal might also be interesting. Right now I am leaning towards a mock human sacrifice to the Aztec sun god. :D

Any good suggestions? I would also appreciate links and info to specific prayers (especially what I would be chanting as I offered my victim's heart to the gods ;))

[kwigibo]

from George Carlin:

"This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this:

Our Father who art in heaven,
and to the republic for which it stands,
thy kingdom come,
one nation indivisible as in heaven,
give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail.
Crown thy good into temptation
but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming.
Amen and Awomen."

[SiliconWolf]

Wow, you have some over the top ideas going there. When I was in Catholic high school most of us just brought in some kind of quasi-inspirational music to play at the start of class. Usually hard rock or whatever else teenagers listened to. The usual suspects like U2 and so on usually got used up in the first week, and we couldn't do reruns so the rest of us were racking our brains trying to come up with ideas.

At the end of that semester we had to create something inspirational of our own. A short story or piece of music, that sort of thing. I remember one guy brought in a recording of an "original" keyboard piece that sounded suspiciously like Van Halen's "316".

[Jack Kamm]

Yeah, I'm going for shock value here. :D

After a little thought though, the mock human sacrifice might be going a tad too far. But some ancient pagan prayer to the sun god or Baal or something would still be cool and wouldn't be offensive.

Oh, and Dionysian orgies are out of the question. I don't think it'd be possible to pull one of those off.;)

[Jack Kamm]

Thanks for the prayer, kwigibo. :)

If I decide not to do some weird off the wall pagan stuff for fear of offending someone, I'll definately give some strong consideration to that one.

[jfryejr]

You could always recite the Lord's Prayer backwards.
Or
You could pray to god to prove his existence to the class by giving you an 'A'. Make it clear that no 'A'=no god.
Or
You could pray to finally lose your virginity.
Or
If that's happened, you could pray to become a 'born again virgin' that was so popular a while ago. Also pray that [insert name of girl in class] can become a 'born again virgin' with you, because nothing is better than the first time.
Or
Pray for someone to die, any one will do...
Or
Hum for two minutes...maybe the theme to the Brady Bunch or Gilligan's Island
Or
Fart...for two minutes
Or
Pray with your butt, ala Jim Carrey
Or
Pray that classmates won't hold it against you and your teacher when you're looking down at them from heaven while they writhe in the lake of fire, then wink at your teacher and give him a knowing smile.

Man, the fun I would have in that class.

[missus_gumby]

I think this thread is more of a Secular Lifestyle issue. Therefore, I am moving it over there.

Martin (Moderator)

[missus_gumby]

Here's a prayer you can try, there's a little messing around at the beginning though:

a) Get a blank sheet of paper and draw a medium, plate-sized circle on it.
b) Place the piece of paper on a flat, horizontal, turbulence-free surface.
c) Place one grain of salt in the middle of the circle.
d) Pray this prayer:

"Almighty God, we know that you created the universe and everything in it, and are therefore the most powerful force that could ever be by a magnitude approaching infinity. And that in the Bible it says you demonstrated your almighty powers to many, many people of diverse cultures in the ancient Middle East on a regular basis. We also know via the Bible your son Jesus has told the world that whatever true believers ask for in prayer,
it will be provided, and we as true believers can move a mountain by the power of faith alone. Please answer our prayer by helping us move the grain of salt to the outside of the circle. Please show your almost boundless power, your near infinite strength, and the verifiable truth of what is written in your divine message to mankind, to this class, here in the twenty-first century. Amen."

:D

[BrotherMan]

Originally posted by missus_gumby
Here's a prayer you can try, there's a little messing around at the beginning though:

a) Get a blank sheet of paper and draw a medium, plate-sized circle on it.
b) Place the piece of paper on a flat, horizontal, turbulence-free surface.
c) Place one grain of salt in the middle of the circle.
d) Pray this prayer:

"Almighty God, we know that you created the universe and everything in it, and are therefore the most powerful force that could ever be by a magnitude approaching infinity. And that in the Bible it says you demonstrated your almighty powers to many, many people of diverse cultures in the ancient Middle East on a regular basis. We also know via the Bible your son Jesus has told the world that whatever true believers ask for in prayer,
it will be provided, and we as true believers can move a mountain by the power of faith alone. Please answer our prayer by helping us move the grain of salt to the outside of the circle. Please show your almost boundless power, your near infinite strength, and the verifiable truth of what is written in your divine message to mankind, to this class, here in the twenty-first century. Amen."

It was at that moment that a mysterious wind blew through the classroom. The sheet of paper ruffled from the breeze and the grain of salt miraculously moved from inside the circle to the outside. The evil atheist professor ran screaming from the room while the diligent upstanding Christian student went on to help the rest of the class through the Sinner's Prayer. [/chicktract]

[Defiant Heretic]

"Oh great, but not necessarily superior, being who dwells beyond this plane of existence and who is accessible only through prayer, meditation, or crystals, we salute you without thereby acknowledging that you are entitled to greater respect than that accorded any other endangered species. We hope to pass through your plane of existence at some point on our psychic journey to the same exalted status as marine mammals or even snail darters. Moreover, to the extent your design for the universe coincides with the U.S. Constitution and includes low-cost access to cable, we ask you to provide us our minimum daily requirement of essential vitamins and nutrients consistent with FDA guidelines, and when judging us be duly mindful or our status as victim, which provides full justification for what might appear on superficial examination to be felonious. In the same vein, we will endeavor to excuse and forgive those who have transgressed against us, with the possible exception of our parents, teachers, policemen and clergy about whom we have just resurrected disturbing memories. We ask all this in the name of your prophet __________."   [Here on alternating weeks substitute names drawn from the consensus of the class. Some suggestions for early in the year: L. Ron Hubbard, Ayatollah Khomeini, Jimmy Carter, Patricia Ireland, Mike Wallace.]

- John F. Bramfeld, a lawyer in Urbana, Ill., as printed in "Wall Street Journal" Pg A-18 Thurs, Jan 12, 1995, contemplating what would happen to school prayer after it was filtered through the apparatus of politically correct educrats.

[clark]

Pull a Bill Moyers (who did this at a Presidential prayer breakfast in the sixties):

When asked to lead, go to the front of the class, and begin to reverently and silently "pray" to yourself. When your teacher comments that she can't hear you, reply, "I'm sorry Ms. Jones; but I wasn't talking to you."

It's not exactly atheistic, but it shows how stupid public prayer is.

THOUGHTfully Yours,
Clark

[MortalWombat]

Originally posted by Jack Kamm
Yeah, I'm going for shock value here. :DHow about the hymn from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life:

O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

[The Other Michael]

Hi Jack,

You could leave the room and go to a custodian's closet and when you come back give the appropriate verse to justify that.

BTW, I live in the Outer Sunset - 46th and Judah area.

cheers,
Michael

[The Other Michael]

Insofar as I may be heard by anything,which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony, Amen


- Creatures of Light and Darkness by Roger Zelazny

[Ab_Normal]

Being a shy, retiring person, I'd just read Matthew 6:5-6, which t'other Michael hinted at:

from the Skeptic's Annotated Bible:

6:5
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

6:6
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.


edited 'cause I just can't spell Michael, even when I'm looking right at it...

[Yangja Isuko]

i like the cthulu idea myself. yes, go for the shock and offend value, why must it always be the mr nice guy routine with you people?

(in screaming voice) "OH LORD THINE HOLY DEVOURER OF THINGS AND SWEETS IN GENERAL YOU ARE MY CANDLE IN THE DARK OR LIKE A REALLY BIG BONFIRE WHICH ISN"T SO MUCH A BONFIRE AS A STAKEBURNING WITH ME AT THE CENTER YES BECAUSE I AM BURNING FOR YOU, YOU SUCK GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS"

[cpickett]

You could always go with a santanic prayer:

Hail Satan, full of Power,
Hell is with Thee.
Blessed art thou, and blessed are
thy spawn, the Children of Hell.
Holy Satan, Lord of Darkness,
give us strength,
that we may be led to greatness
in Word and in Deed.
Amen.

I think that would freak them out more than anything else...

[Godless Dave]

"Dear God, if you exist, there are some kids in Somalia who need some food. Amen."

[catmar]

Originally posted by Godless Dave
"Dear God, if you exist, there are some kids in Somalia who need some food. Amen." As much as I like Ab_Normal's idea, I think this one is pretty good too. Shock value is good, but do you really want the extra hassle of the teacher's reaction ? Principal's office, parents called, etc? In other words, be a pain in the ass but do it nicely by quoting the bible.

[trientalis]

from "Worshippers R' Us", a sketch by the Frantics

"the first church of all denominations"

"Oh, large Person or Persons of whatever gender or branch of the animal kingdom, Who did something great and is now someplace where we aren't, please forgive us for whatever You deem bad and help us to do whatever strikes You as good, whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war. Grant us whatever You tend to grant, unless You don't interfere with earthly concerns. Watch over us or save us from evil or let us find out for ourselves or damn us randomly. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day."

[PopeInTheWoods]

I'm partial to the "Sheep" prayer from Pink Floyd's album Animals:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green He leadeth me the silent waters by.
With bright knives He releaseth my soul.
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places.
He converteth me to lamb cutlets,
For lo, He hath great power, and great hunger.
When cometh the day we lowly ones,
Through quiet reflection, and great dedication
Master the art of karate,
Lo, we shall rise up,
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.

Andy

[Jack Kamm]

On the one hand, I can't keep myself from cracking up at imagining doing some of these prayers.

On the other, I'm quite frightened by the possible reactions of a classroom of angry and insulted theists. (gulp)

Oh well, maybe Michael will get to catch the sight of an angry mob with torches chasing me across the Sunset. :eek:

[The Other Michael]

Jack, just make sure that your parents still owe some money on the tuition bill - they won't hurt you until after they collect the cash.

Then watch out.

cheers,
Michael

[Kalkin]

- Creatures of Light and Darkness by Roger Zelazny

Dammit, Michael, I was going to suggest this. (I'm a Zelazny fan, as you might be able to tell from my name):mad:

[The Other Michael]

Hi Kalkin,

I suspected you had an affinity with Great Souled Sam. The prayer from Creatures has been one of my favorite bits of writing for decades.

cheers,
Michael

[azazel]

Try Mark Twain's War Prayer and edit it to suit the right-winger calling for a "crusade". Show them their hypocrisy.

[Jack Kamm]

Actually, I just read Jonathan Edwards' "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God." It's got some great parts I could read for prayer. :D