Truly terrifying baby gift from Grandma

[Clarice]

Well, she didn't press us regarding the whole Christening issue, but when Grandma came to visit, she brought the kidlet this book:Precious Moments Little Prayers (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0307128296/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/102-8800229-2385718?v=glance&s=books&st=*). Ack! Not just a prayer book, but a Precious (read: Emetic) Moments prayer book!

I was very diplomatic and nice, saying that you can never have too many books. But inside I was half-laughing, half-cringing at the amazingly gag-inducing combination.

As you can read in the reviews, this book thanks God for all kinds of lovely things, such as the sun, moon, stars, books, toys, the ocean, etc. Perhaps I'll paste ina few extra pages "thanking" God for the Guinea worm, AIDS, earthquakes, and so on. Doesn't Ingersoll have a passage extolling the perfection of cancer?

Anyway, it's not a big problem, since we live 500 miles away from Grandma. I shudder to think what life would be like in the same neighborhood, though!

[Bright Life]

You know, Ive "lost" a lot of books like that one. I just don't know what happens to them! ;)

[Secular Pinoy]

I think Precious Moments have cute artwork. I haven't read any of them, though.

[jon_frum]

Precious moments--oh. my.

I, at one time, was a mandolin player with a small commedia dell' arte ensamble. We used to do many corporate events, the nature of commedia (a form of theatre with roots in renassaince Italian street theatre) is flexible enough to adapt to a great variety of situations. It involves crude humor, stereotyped characters and bizarre scenarios.

This a quick and dirty explaination, I know. . . but you need the background to understand the true impact of the situation.

Now, the date happened to fall on the same weekend that I was attenting a neopagan event where I was helping at a friend's tie-dye booth. No problem, I'll drive to SF, (I'm in Ca.) do the gig, turn around and drive back, some 400 bucks richer.
That is how it started.

I got to SF, hook up with the troup, we go to the convention center, we get into costume, assemble props, meet the Man (the agent who got us this gig) and find out more about how we're supposed to entertain these people.

He starts by handing us a list of things we cannot do.

:confused:

No poop jokes, no fart jokes, no sex jokes, no blastphemy, in short, 80% of our show.:eek:

Well, we, being the troupers that we were said, OK--what *can* we do?

Improvise. Jam. Transend our artistic limits--in other words, give 'em a sanitised version of a basic children's show on the spot.

As I recall, there were a lot of food jokes and falling down. I played dance music and looked like I was having fun.
That was the first set. So far so good.
There was a break between shows, so I though I'd see what this was all about.

Then I saw the horrors awaiting me outside the Big Room.

Figurines. Lots of 'em. Precious Moment figurines. Great big hairy guys bidding on these things--I saw one part with $300 dollars or so for some special edition figure.

I had never even concieved of the idea of such things existing at all, and here was room after room of these *special* creations.

My first impression was--take a Keane painting, you know the ones of the waif=like kids with the Big eyes? Add a space brother big headed body type, mix in industrial strength FundiBot karo-syrup style sentimentality. and mass-market the results.

Precious Moments.:eek: :eek: :rolleyes: :banghead:

But wait, there's more.

After this painful epiphany, I elected to retreat to the "green room" between shows--this was an all-day gig.
I was summoned from my peaceful retreat to lead the troupe in a parade to the main event, so like the Pied Piper in some bizarre surrealistic dream I led the commedia troupe and a whole string of Precious Moment "enthusiasts" to the still bigger room wherethe main show was to take place.

We led 'em in, they assumed their seats, we did like wise, and the show began. . .

Consider, if you will, the PM figurine, it's dimunitive size at least lessens it's visual impact.
Now, imagine the same figurine SEVEN FEET TALL with a persom inside making it move--the unholy results of the mating of a Disney life-size cartoon chracter with the PM mileu.

There was music and dancing, too. The theme was from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, but , erm, *changed*.

There was am MC--some actor playing a character called Johnny Jester who introduced the characters--I seem to recall they were some special edition figure that for some reason was important enough to merit having 7-foot images created, actors hired, to animate them, and a stage production written to promote them.

There's more, but my brain simply refuses to remember it.

So, after All That, all us actor types are told to wait backstage for our final bit. We got to meet the people who were inside the figures, they were very cool and professional-it was a good gig.
They were on a Tour (?!) with this show--they had, in fact 5 more cities to go. The pay was good, and the best part was "nobody knows its me in here"

The girl I talked to was planning to go to Hedonism in Jamaica after this tour was done. I can understand why.
I can only wonder what it took to be Johnny Jester--I only hope he was paid well. . .

When the gig was over. I departed, $400 dollars wealthier and the bemused posseser of the memory of the most corrosively surrealistic gig I have yet to encounter.

The culture shock I felt on returning to the Wild Pagan Gathering was the icing on the cake. . .

So, that's my Precious Moments Experience.

I hope no-one's offended by my myopic point of view here, but some things just make my brain itch.

Jon_frum


(edited by j_f cause i seem to have the attention span of a chicken. . . )

[Mister Impossible]

Just throw the book in the bin where it belongs.

[southernhybrid]

That is too funny, Clarice. It's good to see that you have a sense of humor about it. It does help when the religous relatives live far away. My fundy mother still lives in New Jersey and we get along very well.

[Proxima Centauri]

Originally posted by Clarice

As you can read in the reviews, this book thanks God for all kinds of lovely things, such as the sun, moon, stars, books, toys, the ocean, etc. Perhaps I'll paste ina few extra pages "thanking" God for the Guinea worm, AIDS, earthquakes, and so on. Doesn't Ingersoll have a passage extolling the perfection of cancer?

Here's a poem showing things which arn't so lovely. (http://home.freeuk.net/worldling/gpoems/atb.html)

[Beetle]

While Precious Moments may be truly terrifying, a plush Cthulu takes the cake if you want a tremendously horrifying baby gift!

[Mad Dogma]

My great-grandmother gave me a King James Version bible for Christmas when I was in first grade. She must have been around 90 years old or so then and died shortly after. Even though I'm an atheist, that bible is still one of my most cherished possessions. I can't really explain it, other than to say I see it as a symbol that she cared for me and loved me a great deal.

I'm not necessarily saying you should give the present from Grandma to your child now. However, you might consider storing it under a heavy rock or anvil until your child is old enough to appreciate the thoughtfulness and possible significance of this item, whether she's grows up to be a theist or not.

BTW, I'm brand new here, polishing off my first post. I've been lurking around for a little while now and this discussion board is really an amazing place. Looking forward to getting to konw you guys and having some unguarded conversation for a change.

[butswana]

I can keep an ink pen until it runs dry and a lighter until it won't flame, but I can't seem to keep any of that stupid religious shit that people give my kids. It just gets misplaced I guess.

[geniph]

It's always good to have a few books around to teach little ones how they aren't supposed to chew on the covers or rip up the pages...they will basically eat the first few books they're exposed to, so that sounds like a good candidate for first book to me.

Its emetic properties may come in handy when ingested.

[Clarice]

I knew you guys would understand! :)

I probably will keep it, both because of the good intentions behind it, as Mad Dogma says (and welcome, by the way!), and because I'm pretty much incapable of disposing of a book. Hell, I still have the unintelligible crap by Mary Summer Rain I bought while I was going through my "Am I Wiccan?" stage.

I will, however, "lose" it until she is well beyond the age it's intended for. Later, we can talk about its implications, with the help of some kids' books from Prometheus. :D

[4th Generation Atheist]

Originally posted by Beetle
While Precious Moments may be truly terrifying, a plush Cthulu takes the cake if you want a tremendously horrifying baby gift!

Actually, it's a comfort to me to imagine my plush Cthulhu eating those things. Those teardrop eyes make me homicidal.:banghead:

[xxthe_leewitxx]

My fiancee's mother has given me some of those Precious Moments figurines. She has a thing about knick-knacks, especially the really ugly ones... luckily she very VERY rarely visits our house, so I just say, "Oh, how lovely, thank you" like my grandmother taught me and then 'disappear' whatever it is when I get home, after my fiancee and I have a good laugh over it. ("What the HELL was she thinking?!" "I'm sorry, honey, my mom must be smoking crack or something.")

However, this thread is making me think really hard about what the heck I'm going to do when I have children and she starts giving THEM this kind of crap... *SIGH* fundie in-laws.

[Mad Dogma]

I probably will keep it, both because of the good intentions behind it, as Mad Dogma says (and welcome, by the way!), Thanks (and thanks). You made my day. :)

[southernhybrid]

Originally posted by Mad Dogma
Thanks (and thanks). You made my day. :)

I think it's nice to keep it too. One of my patients gave me a little light catcher a few years ago with a little Bible verse on it. She was so proud to give me something that she thought was special that I couldn't bear to part with it. Lillian is about 84 and doesn't get close to that many people so I was deeply touched by her gift.

As a former fundy child, let me assure you that it takes much more than a Precious Momments prayer book to brainwash a child. It might be nice to share with her one day when teaching her a lesson on tolerance. I think it's very important to teach children about tolerance regarding other people's beliefs. You can point out why you think the beliefs are flawed while teaching the importance of not judging others merely for their beliefs.

Btw, my mom loves Precious Momments too. :D

[abe smith]

The flip-side of being-given "holy" books & gear:
their parents are believing & practising "cafeteria" Catholics. This was a decade or more ago, when the children were approaching puberty.
I gave my nephews & nieces a (one) copy of the D"Aulaires's (Now both dead, alas; and they never did do *The Odyssey*.) their splendid & witty picturebook (still in print, I hope!) * Book of Greek Myths*. A number of years later When I asked to see that copy for a few mins to look something up, the Mother hemmed & hawed; and (not sure how I learned this) turned -out the book was gone ina Tag Sale. The spaces of their walls of bookshelves (a previous house they bought old) that are not crowded w/ those pottery figurines, Hummels, and lots 7 lots of family pictures, do have some books here & there; and I will not bother to catalog....

I suppose that if we non=believers have the right to reject being proselytized, the Believers have also the same right to protect themselves & their children from assaults on The Faith. But I perceive this as a not-so-subtle way of DUMBING-DOWN kids.
The old spirit of The Index. Oh hell, what's the use.

The interesting fact is, that of the 5 children involved, FOUR have left "the Church" = the Roman Catholic sect & its practice; and no longer practise any religion. ... No, one set of the four became Methodist, because the parish priest of the girl had not permitted her to marry a divorced non-catholic man = "Not in MY church, you won't!". Interesting. Perhaps we Outsiders oughtn't to get our bowels into an uproar; but wait patiently for time to wound all (Achillean) heels.