JWs showed up at my door bright and early this morning.

[frostymama]

The kids had just finished opening up their presents.

I know they don't celebrate holidays, but how damn inconsiderate can you get? They stop by about once per month even though I refuse to take their literature. I normally just politely refuse. I would have ripped them a new orafice if I hadn't been so sick (flu).

I think if I ever see those folks again I shall have to tell them to leave me the Hell alone.

[Megatron]

Answer the door with a shotgun in hand. Works every time. Usually you don't even have to say anything. Grunts work just fine.. especially if you're drinking something red and it happens to dribble from your mouth like blood. (don't ask ;) )

[Anti-Creedance Front]

May I say a bottle of cheap whiskey would make a finer impression...

[dimpledop]

Maybe you should answer the door naked.

Honestly, if you've made it clear you're not interested in their product and they still persist, then you don't have to be nice.

If a vacuum salesman came to your door every month, and every month you had to say "No, thanks," you'd probably get beyond annoyed, wouldn't you? People who refuse to respect your wishes are disrespecting you and you have done nothing to deserve it.

Treat them like the salesman who insists on bothering you with the same silly product every month. That is what they are.

And with that, cheers to the creative use of fine alcoholic beverages to get the point across.

[Viking]

You also might tell them you are Catholic and they should talk to the Pope. JW's are trained to avoid Catholics and find most of their converts among lukewam Lutherans and the like. I realize you may find masquerading as a Catholic to be distasteful, but it's better than a shotgun in my opinion.

[KoopaFanatic]

I realize you may find masquerading as a Catholic to be distasteful, but it's better than a shotgun in my opinion.

Blasphemy! Nothing's better than a shotgun!
(...says the pro-gun-control NRA firearms instructor ;))

[kwigibo]

You should hang your mistletoe at the front door and wink at them suggestively. Granted, it works better if you're a guy.

[Dargo]

When people come to my door that I don't want to talk to, I just ignore them. Works equally well for salespeople or evangelists.

[frostymama]

Originally posted by Dargo
When people come to my door that I don't want to talk to, I just ignore them. Works equally well for salespeople or evangelists.

I tried that, but I guess they could hear the kids playing in the livingroom. They just kept knocking until I opend the door and told them that I wasn't interested.

I should have coughed on them :p

[Dargo]

Originally posted by frostymama
I tried that, but I guess they could hear the kids playing in the livingroom. They just kept knocking until I opend the door and told them that I wasn't interested.
:p

I live alone, so I can ignore them indefinately. They've never seen any who were that persistant.

[variant 13]

Always want to invite them in, have them sit down and excuse myself so I could get a big kitchen knife!:D Then just stand in the doorway holding it and stare:eek: that'll learn 'em.

I did manage to confuse a few once:

They show me a picture of people standing in a field holding hands with sunshining and a rainbow in the background (was a cartoony pic).

"Do you think that this could ever happen?"

Me: "Sure don't see why not." (I didn't know who they were they just showed it to me).

"Are you religous?" (click)

"Not in the least, why? I just think people are capable of that" (pointing at the picture)

They were so confused and left soon after. One note always take their mag, it costs them money and you can get it recycled.

[Sedim]

"I have already told you people I'm not interested in your bullshit mythology. You have failed to accede to this polie request. In light of your actions, here is a cease-and-desist order. Now get the hell away from me and don't ever come back".

I found that that works really well <grin>

[Doctor X]

I have ignored the knocking. It does not bother me at all--I will even turn up the music--classical--freaks them more. If they become irritated they will have to do penance.

--J.D.

[Gawdawful]

Originally posted by kwigibo
You should hang your mistletoe at the front door and wink at them suggestively. Granted, it works better if you're a guy. Or you could do what I did once: I answered the door in my undershorts with sweaty bed-hair all sticking up all over and told them in an angry voice, when they asked if I knew where I was going when I died, that I'm going to hell and taking somebody with me. The pair of them ran, yes, ran off my porch and down the street. I'm sure I got on some kind of "avoid the satanic demon" list of some kind because they never bothered us again as long as we lived there.


Warrenokie (once scaring the hell into a JW couple in Wyoming)

[AspenMama]

Hmm-- I'm missing the point on a couple of these postings--

Everyone please keep in mind that it is not a good idea to advocate threats of violence here.

--- AspenMama, SL Moderator

[Jinksy]

Can't you get the police involved? If they're repeatedly on your property against your wishes, surely that constitutes some sort of invasion of privacy?

A favourite technique of mine for disconcerting small minded people is, without any hint of aggression, to stand right next to them when addressing them (i'm only about 5'6, so you don't exactly need to be physically imposing to distract people this way).

[Gawdawful]

Originally posted by AspenMama
Hmm-- I'm missing the point on a couple of these postings--

Everyone please keep in mind that it is not a good idea to advocate threats of violence here.

--- AspenMama, SL Moderator I meant Hell, Michigan. Yeah, that's it. And I'm taking somebody with me, yeah... my wife, yeah... Morgan Fairchild, yeah, that's the ticket.


Warren

[Doctor X]

Everyone please keep in mind that it is not a good idea to advocate threats of violence here.

--- AspenMama, SL Moderator

Understood, I think people just are trying to "let off some steam" in a figurative fashion.

Nevertheless, from a practical standpoint, as much fun as it seems to think about opening the door with a chainsaw and ketchup on your t-shirt . . . or halter top . . . preferably a tight halter top [GET ON WITH IT!--Ed.] . . . right, and screaming "KILL! KILL!! BELGIUM!" may be "funny" but it may cause you to end up in serious bloody trouble.

--J.D.

[Godot]

I'va always favoured chatting with them enthusiastically, giving them the appearance of taking the bait. Then, once I've got them where I want them, I casually mention aspotacy. Usually makes them depart rather quickly.


Although, if I got such idiots to the door more frequently than once or twice a year, I might change my tactics.

[Gawdawful]

Originally posted by Godot
I'va always favoured chatting with them enthusiastically, giving them the appearance of taking the bait.I once did that with a pair of Mormon missionaries. After they had been duped by a Mormon neighbor of ours into helping paint our house (a Tom Sawyer moment for me), I felt a sense of obligation to at least listen to their spiel. We had them over for one or two nights a week for about six weeks. I nodded affirmatively to every point they made, saying things like "I can see how that makes sense." In the last few visits, it got down to them bringing film strips and slide shows of church life and more details on their theology. Then finally, they popped the question, "Would you like to join our church?"

Me: "Nope."

Elder Smith (true name not remembered): "If you don't mind us asking, why did you have us come over for these visits these past weeks?"

Me: "I've never lived around Mormons before and I just wanted to find out what you were all about. Thank you very much for your time."

I just looked at the whole thing as a time spent learning how their sales pitch worked and maybe just a little of their inner workings. The bonus was that by occupying that many hours of their time, I kept that pair of missionaries from converting at least one other person that might more easily swayed by their pitch. Also, it was a low stess situation in my own home with (non-poisoned) Kool-ade and cookies.

Yes, Aspen Mama, I know this was better than threatening to take them to hell with me. I can be kind of ornery in a number of different ways.

I am not totally antagonistic to JWs either, I have a whole bunch of them for neighbors just to the south of my place (one extended family owns the whole "street". Although we don't socialize with them in any way, we are at least on friendly terms when we meet at the mailbox or out in the yard. They occasionally show up with their Watchtower pamphlet, I'm sure in an earnest attempt to convert the godless heathen next door. I graciously accept it and throw it in the recycle bin as soon as they leave. They have tried to engage me in religious conversation, but I interrupt, saying that I am non-religious and wish not to talk about it. However, if they wake me up from a deep sleep, wild hair and all, on some sweaty Oklahoma summer day when I'm on midnight shifts and start right with

We have some long time family friends that are JWs that we still have fairly regular contact with. Their son was my best friend in elementary school and again when I lived there the year or so before I got married and ran off to Oklahoma.

One of my closest friends, one of a trio of best friends since junior high actually, is a recent convert to Assembly of God Pentecostal. We have anything but an antagonistic relationship. Now, if I could just get him to quit sending Godspam all the time in lieu of actual personal emails about what's going on in his life.

My ex-SIL is a different matter. I put her on my Spam list to stop all the Godspam and internet glurge and I'm about to do it with a couple of my wife's friends from Utah.


Warren

[Vorkosigan]

One of my closest friends, one of a trio of best friends since junior high actually, is a recent convert to Assembly of God Pentecostal. We have anything but an antagonistic relationship. Now, if I could just get him to quit sending Godspam all the time in lieu of actual personal emails about what's going on in his life.

That's what I really hate about all forwarded emails. People send them in lieu of actual personal contact. Godspam just adds an additional annoyance on top of that.

Vorkosigan

[Pain Paien]

Originally posted by Godot
I'va always favoured chatting with them enthusiastically, giving them the appearance of taking the bait. Then, once I've got them where I want them, I casually mention aspotacy. Usually makes them depart rather quickly.

Do you mean apostasy?



Personally, I've never had contact with door-to-door proselytizers, but I've recently had one good experience. Mormons came to my friends house and he agreed to a return visit in order to get their scripture. When they came back he feigned interest until they gave him the book of Mormon, then he got them to leave. They probably should have been tipped off he wasn't genuinely interested when he claimed to be a "devout Unitarian," but I suppose if they wouldn't be Mormons if they weren't credulous. They were forced to leave, however, because they made the claim that God would talk to him if their church was for him, so all he had to say was "Ok, I'll see if God talks to me on my own, goodbye." All this was a boon for me in the end because he gave the sacred texts to me for Christmas. Needless to say, I find the book very entertaining.
The moral of the story is that one should always take whatever one can from door-to-door missionaries and then kick them to the curb.

[Godot]

Originally posted by Pain Paien
Do you mean apostasy?

:o Yes, indeed. I thought it looked funny.

[Pain Paien]

Originally posted by Godot
:o Yes, indeed. I thought it looked funny.

I guess it is fitting that an athiest make a mistake involving a sin...

[Jolly_Penguin]

Originally posted by Pain Paien
All this was a boon for me in the end because he gave the sacred texts to me for Christmas. Needless to say, I find the book very entertaining.
The moral of the story is that one should always take whatever one can from door-to-door missionaries and then kick them to the curb.

Actually, aside from the fun your friend had with this, it wan't needed to get the book. I just visited the moron website and requested a bible and book of mormon. They mailed me both (internationally) for no fee. And not a single mormon has come to my door knocking (I thought the request may put me on their hit list, but it didn't)

[Pain Paien]

Originally posted by Jolly_Penguin
Actually, aside from the fun your friend had with this, it wan't needed to get the book. I just visited the moron website and requested a bible and book of mormon. They mailed me both (internationally) for no fee. And not a single mormon has come to my door knocking (I thought the request may put me on their hit list, but it didn't)

But this way was much more fun. Plus, now I have a great story to tell.

[Lonely_Road_Of_Faith]

Originally posted by frostymama
The kids had just finished opening up their presents.

I know they don't celebrate holidays, but how damn inconsiderate can you get? They stop by about once per month even though I refuse to take their literature. I normally just politely refuse. I would have ripped them a new orafice if I hadn't been so sick (flu).

I think if I ever see those folks again I shall have to tell them to leave me the Hell alone.

They showed up on Christmas? That's just plain rude.

Personally, I'm a (non-Fundy) Christian, and I can't stand the JW religion...I know several former JW's who have been disfellowshipped and disowned by their families for such "sins" as living with their significant other and not being married, or asking too many questions...and I just think shit like that is wrong.

Personally I think their beliefs are a little wierd...though JW's and mainline Christians probably don't seem too much different to an Atheist.

One other thing, I may be a Christian, but I can't stand door to door evangelists of any sort. They're salesmen, pure and simple. To quote that old George Burns movie (Oh God) they should go and sell shoes.

My typical responses to JW's when I've encountered them are:

1) Debate: JW's don't like logic or having their religion questioned very much, and if you are, or can portray yourself as being, strong in your own beliefs, they won't come back. Actually, this works with most door-to-door evangelists (Usually Mormons or Fundy Christians) it's just that my typical Forrest Gump-ish response doesn't work on JW's.

When somebody knocks on my door and asks me if I've found Jesus, I usually reply "I didn't know we was supposed to be looking for him, Lieutenant Dan."

2) I'm learning Arabic and I speak Spanish...since I'm not Arab or Hispanic, I can't really play the role of a non-english speaking person convincingly...but I imagine something like Dutch or French or Norwiegian would work for me, because many door-to-door types will be confused if they think you don't speak English...and most of them don't speak anything else.

3) According to somebody else on here, paintball guns work wonders. (Though I personally also agree with whoever suggested answering the door with a shotgun in hand.)

[Viti]

The security gate 15 feet from my front door works pretty well.

[Kthulhu]

I doubt I have the balls to pull this one off and it may only work if you're a guy but you can try this to get rid of them next time:

When you see them at the door make your hands clammy a la Ferris Bueller before opening. When you greet them make sure to give a firm handshake. In the middle of the handshake with a straight face (important!) say "Do you mind if we hurry this up? I was in the middle of rubbing one out and I'd like to get back to the video before the money shot" I bet you get no return visits.

Of course I would wimp out and simply not open the door or say 'No Thanks' and shut it before they could reply.

~The Thing That Should Not Be

[variant 13]

You're a sick one Kthulhu but what else should I expect from insane squid-headed malevolent god. :eek:

Will keep your idea in mind.

[MrFrosty]

Originally posted by Kthulhu
In the middle of the handshake with a straight face (important!) say "Do you mind if we hurry this up? I was in the middle of rubbing one out and I'd like to get back to the video before the money shot" I bet you get no return visits.

Wins the thread.

[Fr8monkey]

I have a friend that was constantly pestered by JWs He put a chalk body outline in my driveway and a few 'Watchtower' magazines laying around. Never had any trouble after that.

I like to use logic. Ask things like, "If only 144,000 JW's can get into Heaven, what part of the 3 million Witnesses are you in?"
Or with gothic music in the background; I say, "We are about to start the sacrifice... Come join in the blood letting!" and invite them in.

A waste IS a terrible thing to mind.;)

[Kevin]

Originally posted by Fr8monkey
I have a friend that was constantly pestered by JWs He put a chalk body outline in my driveway and a few 'Watchtower' magazines laying around. Never had any trouble after that.

I like to use logic. Ask things like, "If only 144,000 JW's can get into Heaven, what part of the 3 million Witnesses are you in?"
Or with gothic music in the background; I say, "We are about to start the sacrifice... Come join in the blood letting!" and invite them in.

A waste IS a terrible thing to mind.;)

I don't think that would work, because, if my understanding of JW dogma is correct, they believe that the rest of the Witnesses will stay on the earth after it is transformed into a paradise, a la the Garden of Eden.

When I'm in the mood for a debate, I tell them quite bluntly that I'm a biologist and, were I to convert, I certainly wouldn't chose a religion in which special creation is a tenet of the faith. Then they can either try to argue evolutionary biology with me, or leave. If they take the former course, I tie their arguments in knots and they invariably end up asking if they can come back with one of their Watchtower books on evolution, but, so far, none of them has come back with that particular text, although one did come back with a title called Is There a Creator Who Cares About You? Of course, that might have been the text, because it's all about the supposed 'scientific' evidence of God, but it's weak in the discussion of evolution, and the reader is often referred back to the mid-80s tract, Life: How Did it Get Here? By Evolution or by Creation?

[Darwin26]

i live in a community of Los Angeles where it is illegal to Solicite... The only folks who can't read that well posted sign are JW's ...
i have to admire anyone who can speak with these people. i want to get as far away as i can ...but they're at the front door... i'm to polite, to not answer the door ... just a thanks but no thanks ... and close the door...works. But if they could read the anti-religion bumper stickers glaring them in the drive way... They'd run the other way too. (...that duck tape and plastic around all the windows and doors helps to)
Living in Wyoming, Mormans are inescapable but i never had any push that junk on me...i am more griped by those hotel rooms with the Giedions Bable ...laying in that drawer, just waiting for me to answer it.
It's also good to confiscate that kind of pollution...never know when some kid will open it.

That was waaaaaaay funny about the handshake full of .......spores...but that is what i think they have in their hands...

[Jeffrey Formosa]

If there hot girl J.W's then say sexal things to them.;)

[MysteryProf]

I think I'm a JW magnet. My first encounter occurred when I was skipping out on church. :p When they started asking me questions I just told them my overly friendly dog (whom I was trying to restrain) was vicious. Heh.

Then that summer JW's seemed to be having "Zealots for the Kingdom" meetings everywhere and I was touring colleges, so I ran into them at a bunch of hotels. I came home with at least 20 of those Watchtower mags, because parents would make their teenagers hand them out and I must have looked friendly or something. I didn't have the heart to refuse, because the kids seemed embarrassed and I think they had quotas to make.

~MysteryProf

[Gawdawful]

Originally posted by Jeffrey Formosa
If there hot girl J.W's then say sexal things to them.;) I didn't think to do that when a couple of JW women came to the door. The younger woman was hot... but, the older of the two was hotter. The older outspoken one asked me if I had a few minutes so they could tell me about Jehovah and his plan for my salvation. I told her she could have 10 minutes if I could have 10 minutes to share my religious views with them. She asked me what my religion was. I said I was atheist. She then declined my invitation to come in. As their fine selves were walking down the driveway I thought to myself "What a dumbass, Warren, you could've had these two fine women in your living room for a while." They've been fantasy fodder ever since. Yes, I know, I'm a dirty old man.


Warrenokie

[Seeker630]

Speak of the Devil:rolleyes:

I posted earlier in here about it had been months since I got a visit from the JW's. Not 10 minutes ago two little-old-lady types rang the bell (I should've known better) and of course they were pedaling their Watchtower pamphlets. I don't know why but I always get uptight when they come. Kind of like anticipating an unpleasant encounter with a vacuum cleaner salesman.

Anyway--I've given up trying to talk to them. I consider it a waste of time. They said their 60 second speil about the Bible saying there will be and end to war, asked me if I thought I would ever see and end to war. I just said no. They asked if I wanted to read about it in the pamphlet and I said no. They turned around and just left.

I didn't tell them I was an atheist, or even that I was simply not a Christian--I just said no twice and that was the end of the conversation.

Maybe I should get one of those little spy-cam thingys for my front door enclosure so I can turn on the TV set and see who's there.

[Jeffrey Formosa]

<edited threats of violence>

[mecca777]

Originally posted by Jeffrey Formosa
<edited for consistency>Ha! To paraphrase Douglas Adams:

"Make a note to Susan, would you please, to get an 'Armed Response' sign made up with a sharp spike on the bottom at the right height for Jehovah's Witnesses to see."

[tracer]

Originally posted by KoopaFanatic
Blasphemy! Nothing's better than a shotgun!
(...says the pro-gun-control NRA firearms instructor ;))
I heartily agree! They have more stopping power than just about any other street-legal firearm, and because they fire a blast of pellets instead of a single bullet, your aim doesn't have to be perfect to get the job done. Plus, they have a better intimidation factor than a measly old handgun. The sound of a pump-action being cycled is pretty damn distinctive.

[AspenMama]

tracer-- I've already asked folks participating in this thread to refrain from threatening others with violence. Failure to comply with moderator requests may make you a candidate for the SL pest list.

I think this thread has run its course anyway, so I'm locking it.

--- AspenMama, SL Moderator